I say it all the time, loneliness, is a powerful feeling. But it is just that a feeling. For most of us that feel that loneliness, we aren’t alone, just missing something. Recently, I have had to come to grips with the fact that I have been unfaithful in all but one of my romantic relationships. No I didn’t physically cheat on them, but I always had someone who I knew my significant other wouldn’t approve of me talking to. I have always had a back up plan, or someone who was interested enough to stick around. As lonely as I have often felt, I have never been alone, and there was always someone or someone else in the picture.
I can admit that I have been just as bad to the men I have had relationships with as they have been to me. I can recall in my last relationship pretending not to know that he had been lying to me and living with the mother of his children for at least 6 months or more during our so-called relationship. I never said a word, I just sat back and repeatedly asked him if he was being honest with me. I allowed him to believe I didn’t know until I decided I wanted to “find out”. I can now see that I simply kept it to myself because it gave me an excuse to what I wanted to do. Even after and entire incident where I confronted him at the home they shared and having a conversation with her, I continued to “see” him. After he knew that I knew, it became leverage. I could demand more of his time, I could guilt him into something I wanted him to do, I could even contact her in order to make her question whether or not he was still involved with me. I did it a few times, and I got my way. He would immediately call or meet up with me. Before I found out for sure, he was extremely distant at times, and in fact the worst boyfriend I have ever had, but my foolish heart loved him more than I ever thought I could love someone, and I had this strange attachment to him due to the fact that he was the first person I dated after my suicide attempt. The things I went through during that relationship were tough, and I remind myself that the relationship nearly killed me. But towards the end, I had regained most of my strength and as I transitioned from one path to the other, my mind frame changed. I hit rock bottom so many times during that relationship, that despite the need to let it go, I wanted to hurt him before I did. Through the lows of our relationship, I saw other people. I confided in other men about how I felt mistreated. I had emotional relationships with other people the entire time. Why? Because I could do it and he would never suspect it, if he ever cared, or if he had any level of feeling for me, if he knew that anyone else was in the picture during our time, it would hurt his ego. How do I know? Because he said that he knew I wasn’t that type of girl. The irony of it, he broke it off because after being with another woman for what I now know is the entire duration of our relationship, I started to see other people. Right.
The reality is, I have only had three true relationships as an adult. My college boyfriend is the only one that I didn’t cheat on in anyway, but the other two… The second one was much like the third one. Full of lies on both parts, riddled with insecurities and hurt people, hurting people. Why am I rehashing this? Why am I putting it out there? Because I realize why they were so much alike. If I dated the bad guy that was never committed, the guy who was deceitful and would never follow through, I would never be in danger of having to commit myself. If they treated me badly, no one would blame me if I left.
As I write this, I realize that the only thing worse than my loneliness, is my insecurity. You see my college boyfriend was a good guy. I’m the reason he left. I wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t ok. What I didn’t realize at the time was that he genuinely loved me, but he got tired of having to prove it to me over and over again. He didn’t have the ability to convince that I was worth loving, no matter how much he loved me. My insecurity killed our relationship before I ever got the chance to sabotage it. He loved me, but he couldn’t fix me. So he left. At the time, that is just what I though men did. Leave. No matter what men left. So from that point forward, I chose men that needed to leave. That way when they did, they would be the ones to blame, and I would never have to face me.
So how do I break that cycle? Love me, the way I wanted them to love me. When do I break the cycle? Now. Before there is someone else out there trying to love me when I’m not sure how to love myself. Before I meet someone I want to love just as much as they want to love me. It’s that simple, I have to love me more than I want to love them. I have to accept that I am worthy of good, true, unconditional, faithful love. I am better than good enough for the fairy tale. I can have my prince even if I don’t need to be rescued. Staying prayerful and faithful… dreams do come true.
