It wasn’t until I was about 35 years old that I realized that I have lived my entire feeling unremarkable, less than memorable, and at times just plain invisible. It wasn’t that I didn’t get enough attention as a kid because my family will tell you that it was next to impossible to ignore me and all of my weird quirks. I was afraid of just about everything for the first 10 years of my life. I can recall falling off my bike the first time my father let go and taking months to get back on. In my opinion, I was your average kid. But I felt invisible most of the time.
Through therapy, I discovered that the feeling of being invisible most of my life contributed to my depression on a very grand scale. It had intertwined into my every breath and I carried with me every day of my life. That feeling that I never mattered. The idea that no one would miss me. The intrusive thought that no one on this earth could ever love me the way I wanted to love them. This was my childhood trauma. I recognize now that my coping mechanism was to be perfect so that you had no choice but to see me. You have to praise the kid making straight A’s when the world is falling apart around them. You have to pay attention to the kid that is involved in every club in school because you’ve go to pick them up at a different time than all the others. When my parents split, I thought if I was the “okay” kid, I would somehow help my parents and eventually be rewarded for not breaking when they had so much on their plate.
It worked… that is until the recognition stopped. It worked until, my anxiety became too much to manage on my own. I was golden until depression set in and I was no longer the “Okay” kid. I then became the invisible kid again.
Growing up, I had a lot of friends, but I was never apart of any particular “clique” as we called them. I wasn’t the most popular, but I was popular enough to be the runner up to Homecoming Queen my senior year. But I was still invisible when I believe it counted. I got enough attention from boys, but often never tried to date anyone I felt was “out of my league”. I’m almost ashamed to say that I am still this way when it comes to dating. But regardless still felt invisible.
I made friends in college, many of whom I am still quite close to today, but always that feeling of not being seen.
Here I am, 37 years old, still feeling invisible. Even on my own platform. I still feel invisible, unheard, stifled, and at times extremely lonely. I deal with it and I understand that I am not alone. I have love in every area of my life. I am doing something that I am truly passionate about. I am sharing my story and helping people just like me to not feel invisible, whether it’s due to the stigma of mental illness, or that nagging feeling you’ve always had.
I hope that through this platform, I can help someone to feel less invisible. Encourage someone to step out of the dark, allow themselves to be heard, speak up, and stand up without shame or condemnation. I hope that on my platform, I can help someone to shake off the shame they’ve felt because they’ve only been seen through and treated according to their chosen sin. My prayer is that I become the vessel God sends into the lives of others that helps them mend their relationship with Him and understand that He knows their imperfections and loves them anyway. My hope is that I can be a light that shows other that God’s grace is not a commodity to be purchased through obedience and good deeds, but that it is given freely to all of us even non-believers. I hope that through me, the people I come into contact with see the “empathic” spirit that God gave me and that I show them God and not me. We are called to be disciples for Christ, and I hope that God continues to use me in His kingdom as such.
We don’t know how much time we have on this earth, and there are days that I truly feel that I have wasted about 36 of my almost 38 years on this earth. I want to leave a mark here that no one else could have. I want to serve my God-given purpose on this earth before I leave it. I hope that with every post, every blog, every live, every share, that I give a part of me to someone that needed it. I hope to leave people better than I found them. I desire to leave “Love and Light” in the dark places that I am called to. I hope to make connections that are beyond the earthly containers God has placed us in. I pray that I can continue to teach those who need it that emotions and feelings are good indicators of where our spirit stands on the issues of this world that we face. I pray that I can impress upon those I encounter that your spirit is stronger than your flesh if you feed it with the Word and establish a strong connection to the Father.
At the end of my time, I pray that I leave something for the world to remember. I pray that I have helped other overcome that feeling of being invisible and unheard. I want the future to know that I loved, I’ve lost, but most of all that I was here.
