” For Shame!” An expression that condemns someone for being dishonorable or disgraceful. “For Shame!” She cried. Shame. Shame is defined both as a noun and as a verb. To Shame someone, a verb, means to make someone feel ashamed. Shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. It is truly a shame the way we shame people. We see it all the time. People telling people how they should be ashamed of something from their past. How hard do we make it on someone trying to move forward in their life? Have you ever felt like you couldn’t move forward because your past was just too bad for you to be what you really want to be? What if I told you that your words of discouragement prevented the world from getting a cure for cancer?
A year ago, I was ordained as a minister. It was a beautiful day spiritually. I chose to dance before accepting the call, the type of ministry I was used to. Kind of made me feel a little more comfortable about being there. I recall every part of that day with fondness and a healthy level of pride. I would have never imagined that day happening. I still wouldn’t believe it had, had I not been there. What stands out to me the most however, the reaction when I found out I was even being considered for ordination.
Confusion. Complete and utter confusion. How could anyone especially my own Godfather believe that I was minister material? After all the only reason I was in the class was to make sure that I was doing things in order for my mental health “advocacy”. Becoming a minister was never in the plans. Becoming a minister, would have been on my list of “Ain’t Ever Gonna Happen” somewhere between shaving my head bald, and tattooing the name of my daughter’s father across my forehead. But here I am, an ordained minister.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because part of the reason it was on the “Ain’t Ever Gonna Happen” list is because I never imagined anyone would ever want to ordain me, or even believe I was minister “material”. You see, I always felt like the one in church that needed to be there to atone for every single one of my sins. I was the woman with the Alabaster box (Luke 7:37), only I was still pending the memorandum of Forgiveness from God. Even as a praise dancer, I always felt like everyone else had managed to live a righteous life, that was free of sin and temptation. I envied their feeling of belonging and the boldness with which they worshipped and praised God. I never felt like I was able to or had the right to be free in worship or praise because I was a sinner. At times, I felt like I was the only sinner. I danced because I was great at it. I danced because I could use my body to glorify God as opposed to the other things I had done with it, or allowed others to do to it. I danced because I could hide in the corner of the back row. I could be apart of the “chorus line” that never gets their name in the credits or the solo spot. I danced because I deemed myself only qualified to be invisible in God’s eyes.
I am one of the lucky ones. It wasn’t the world that told me I wasn’t worthy, it was me. I disqualified myself from so many things because I believed my past was so bad it deemed me unworthy of the right to be free of and forgiven for my mistakes. I was lucky all I had to do was change my own thoughts. I was terribly lucky that my negative self-talk was so loud in my ear that I couldn’t hear the world and what it had to say. I pray for those that aren’t that lucky.
My challenge to those reading this blog is this:
Acknowledge that most of the world doesn’t need a reminder of their failures. They already know. Chances are, they’ve replayed them a few times in their minds. Shame is something people carry with them quietly. People usually don’t brag about the things they are ashamed of. It is no one’s place for you to hold a mirror to another person’s shame. There are a few biblical references to that fact but one in particular comes to mind John 8:7. Our goal as believers, ministers, friends, and people who claim to love others, should be to support them while they go to God about those parts of their lives.
Too often, we have seen people who were once friends share the “Tea” of their now former friend as a gesture of I was a good friend to keep this secret. Stop it Sis. We have got to do better at uplifting people when they are down and allowing them the space to find forgiveness and forgive themselves for the things they are not proud of.
It is no longer cute, okay, or just picking to intentionally expose, let slip or publicly utter the scars, wounds, dark places, or short-comings of others. Just close your mouth and mind the business that pays you.
My message for those struggling with Shame:
I pray you move into freedom. I pray you get to a place where you feel you deserve the abundant life God has promised you. My prayer for you is that you no longer disqualify yourself from the greatest parts of life because of your past. I want you to know that forgiveness is there for anything that you might have done to harm yourself and others. Know that God is waiting to forgive you and will forgive you. All you have to do is confess to Him, and only Him. He will cast all of those things into the sea of forgetfulness. He keeps no record of the wrongs you have done; Remember that God is love (1 John 4:8).
Go to God. Please. Talk to Him. Show Him those dark places. Ask Him to surround with the people that will help you move forward in freedom. Ask Him to help you forgive YOU. This isn’t about justifying your mistakes or even correcting them, its about moving forward in boldness and in purpose.
One last thing, I need you to tell yourself that you are deserving of everything God has for you. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You deserve to be proud of who you are. You deserve to move past and let go of your past.
