We hear it all the time. “Just think positive.” “Sending Good vibes.” I’m the type of person that even when I feel hopeless, I try to hold on to some kind of hope that the feeling will pass soon enough. Some days, I don’t truly believe it will. I have days that I don’t want to turn over, let alone get out of bed.
Most days, I am lonely. Surrounded by people, but lonely and fearful that this is my life. I crave human connection, love, support, and so much more, but that desire remains unfulfilled. Some days I just need a friend; Others, I want a romantic relationship. Sadly, deep down, my desire to find love has dissipated, mainly because the “mental illness” conversation is exhausting and everyone’s reaction seemed to go to one extreme or the other. I feel like not requiring them to commit to me is the best way to avoid the rejection after they find out or the coddling because all of a sudden I’m fragile.
In order to keep my anxiety in check, I do my very best to plan thoroughly, to stay organized, and stick a routine. Deviations from my routine can send me into a tailspin. I get confused and even lost, at times. I make silly mistakes. I can remember going to get my kids lunch and driving off before I got my food. When my kids pointed it out, I burst into tears, and sent my son in to get the food. As I started to drive towards our destination, a full on panic attack set it in. It was the scariest moment I have ever experienced. My kids were terrified and all I could do once we were safe at my parents house was sleep. It was then that I truly doubted my ability to juggle my illness and be the mom that I want to be. Even now, more than two years later, as I continue to rebuild my life after the suicide-attempt, I question whether or not the day will come when I feel I am equipped to have my kids back full-time. 100% me no daily support. The thought frightens me. I am saving to buy a house for us, but I am afraid for my babies to ever experience that with me again.
I feel so much pressure all the time to be ok. Most days I am, but the days when I am not, I often don’t even feel like I can pray for help.
So here I am, on the verge of an episode, and I am not sure what kind of episode it will be. Is this depression settling in. Do I need to increase my work outs and add some B12 supplements to my morning ritual? Is it anxiety? Do i need to organize my thoughts, take some things off my plate? Either way, whatever it is, IT is coming and I don’t know if I am prepared for it. I just want to be normal, and live like normal people. Why do I have to stay so in tune with my emotions, why can’t I be like so many other people and react like a normal person to everyday life. Why am I so sensitive to everything? What is wrong with me?
How do I help others in my broken state? Why would anyone listen to me when I am still struggling myself?
