Spinning… stop, take a deep breath. Now take one step, just one. Step. Now another. Step. Okay take two. Step, step. Now three. Step, step, and step. Take a breath, you’re doing great. Breathe. I think you’re getting the hang of it, take a few more steps. Step, step, step, step. Are you ready to let go? Keep going, you got this! Great Job! Keep your head up.
You only really have to learn to walk once in a lifetime, but for some, an accident, an illness, or traumatic experience can take away our most basic abilities. We forget how to do things that are instinctive and inherit to every human. For some it could be as simple as walking, for others, its our ability to cope emotionally, to form healthy emotional attachments to others, even to make informed and productive decisions.
The truth is, we are supposed to learn so much growing up that we are able to be adults once we reach a certain age. There are milestones of development we are supposed to hit physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Some of those things happen because they are natural occurrences in the human body like growing in size, reaching puberty, learning to walk and talk. Spiritually we grow as we are drawn to God, as our faith is nurtured and encouraged by those around us. The same can be said about our growth intellectually and emotionally.
Experts would say that while growth and change are naturally occurring, growth can be stunted under certain circumstances. We’ll talk about all of that a little later. In order to grow and change, we must all work towards moving forward. We have to start taking steps that put us on the path towards our goals. Have you set your goals yet? We are supposed to make plans that move us in the right direction and get us closer to where we are trying to go. Its a really good feeling when you start to take the time to assess where you stand relative to your goal. Progress is a good thing, accomplishing a goal is actually a pretty amazing feeling. But what happens when you try to assess your progress and realize that you are right back where you started.
You look around, and nothing has changed. Maybe you are living in a different place, but facing eviction again. Maybe you have a new significant other, but you are having the same arguments. Were you saving to buy a house or new car only to be turned down because you don’t have enough to put down and you don’t qualify for financing. Have you ever asked yourself how you ended up in that position? Have you been here before? If you are like me, your answer is probably yes. If you are like me, you have probably lost count of all the times you have been in this place. Hopefully, you aren’t like me, and you don’t know the feeling of disappointment after disappointment, heart-break after heart-break, set back after set back after set back. I pray you don’t know what that feels like to go through these vicious circles of life altering cycles that trigger emotional spirals that leave your head spinning. Cycles that leave you triggered and spinning.
Triggered and spinning, unable to stop. Reaching for an anchor, crying for help. Spinning and triggered by every and anything that reminds me of him. Triggered and spinning because I lost focus on the goal and got caught in the middle of their stuff. Spinning and triggered by fresh flowers that remind me of her. Triggered and spinning because I see so much of me in them and I only wanted them to get the good from me and leave the bad. Spinning and triggered because I prayed my specific prayer and it seems to have fallen of deaf ears.
Spinning… spinning… spinning towards a destructive spiral that might just leave me with nothing, again.
Lord, I have been here before, what did I miss the last time? Why did you bring me back to this place?
I hope you aren’t like me. I hope you’ve conquered the “demons” that seek to hold you down, steal from you, kill you, and destroy the generations to come. I pray that you have been able to figure out how to conquer those vicious cycles and move forward with your life in a way that is pleasing both to you and God. As for me, I have been through the same things a few times. Its like part of my life are on repeat. Strangely enough, so much has changed, but so much is still the same. New circle of friends, but the same relationships. New job, same politics. My mistakes are playing on repeat and it seems that the devil is undefeated in being able to distract me from my purpose and from the life I hope that God has for me. I’ve been through the same cycles so many times, you’d think I’d be confident in my ability to come out the other side, but what I have is the fatigue from the last time and weight that sends me spinning again, ready to succumb, ready to lay down and let it overcome me again. Ready to give up.
I hope you are not like me. I hope you have the confidence to fight it, to use what you know and press through the storm, endure another cycle, come out on the other side.
Spinning… spinning… stop. Breathe. One more. In. Out. Breathe. Now try to take one step.
