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As a single woman, that doesn’t get out much, dating apps seemed to be the easiest way to meet the most people the fastest. After all, they all have these “Meet me” games where you see a picture and swipe left or right. Most notify you of the match and you take it from there. Simple process and I can do this in those random, sometimes rare free moments.
I joined a few of them sometime after my daughter was born, about two years after. Before joining, I was confined to people I went to school with, mutual friends, or friends of friends. That wasn’t working for me. I used to think that having a mutual connection with other people, or even a history with that person would make it less likely that things would end badly. I was so very wrong about that. I’d known my daughter’s father since I was in the third grade and he still isn’t involved in her life, despite our hundreds of mutual friends. But I digress. After a few failed attempts at being “hooked up” with someone a friend thought it would be good for me, I decided to give the dating apps a try. I met a few people, had some that I really liked, others that I thought were serial killers, but never actually met the one. That is until about 4 years ago. I met “him”. We had a 22 month relationship. It ended when I finally got tired of sharing him and wanted to explore other options. Despite his leading a double life for our entire relationship, he couldn’t handle my going out with even 1 guy. 🤷🏽♀️ We won’t go into any more detail about him, another post for another day.
About a month after that breakup, and being devastated, I just didn’t feel pretty anymore. So as a joke and at the suggestion of my friend, I got on a popular, free website, to boost, my ego. Within a few minutes, my inbox was blowing up with “Hey beautiful” messages. So I spent 22 months on that site, and a few others. No luck. I met a few people who I still communicate with, but not the one. Not by a long shot! I reluctantly made the decision to delete all of the apps from my phone. I wanted to embrace the idea that meeting someone “organically” might prove more fruitful. Within about 10 minutes, I regretted the decision and had to reach out to my friend to vent about how my decision was going to leave me a lonely old maid. The first question they asked, “Why did you delete them?”
After walking through a few conversations with him about this, Here is my answer:
1. I had too many opportunities to “move on to the next”. It was easy to find something wrong with someone if I wanted to. If we are only texting and you said something I didn’t like, I no longer have to answer your messages and can even block you. It’s easy, and there about 50 other guys messaging me so … NEXT!
2. I literally ran on a 7 day time-table. If in 7 days, you didn’t keep my interest, I didn’t talk to you anymore. I get bored on the weekends in between stuff, get on the dating app look for some new people to talk to. I spend the week weeding through the new batch and whoever survives the seven days moves on to the next 7 day round. Needless to say, in one week, I could start off chatting with 10 guys and by Wednesday, I’ve wittled that down to possibly 4. By the time the weekend hits, there may be 1, and then comes the new batch.
3. I would go on dates out of boredom or the invitation for “free food”. I would be kid free some nights, needing to get out of the house, wanting some affectionate attention from the opposite sex (not necessarily sex), so if an offer were presented and I could tolerate your face for a few hours, I’d go. There was no guarantee of a second date, or even an interest before I arrived at the first one, but you offered. I can remember one date in which I didn’t listen to a word the guy said and watched the football game with extreme intensity, for two hours.
4. Despite knowing someone wasn’t right for me, I still felt the rejection each time. It made me feel a little less desirable with every guy I met and they weren’t it. I got discouraged, and explored more casual relationships at times because of it. I was losing the desire to connect personally with men because I was drained and downright exhausted from all of the superficial parts of online dating. Meeting people who didn’t look like their pictures, having men complain about women (black women) throughout the entire date, having political discussions with people only wanted to debate (despite the fact we agreed). I can’t even get into the many men who wanted to justify long-term dating situations with multiple women. The “I’m being honest about it up front” guy, I’m still in a relationship, (like a whole) marriage, but my wife and I are separating soon. It got to be too much.
It’s been three months of no dating apps, and no I haven’t organically met anyone new, but I have to say that I only miss them when I’m bored, and I no longer dread the text messages popping up on my phone. I don’t know what is in store in the relationship compartment of my life because now I’m under going a real shift in my focus since I’ve changed the way in which I can meet people, however, I hope and feel that without the cycle of online dating going on, when someone does come into my life, I am less likely to be distracted by the wrong person.
