Since surviving my Suicide attempt, I have learned to be extremely cautious about my head space. Healing was an extremely long process, and I’ve had to make some tough choices in continuing to be better. As I became stronger, as I regained a sense of self and self-worth, I noticed that some of my closest connections had changed. No one outwardly did anything to hurt me or my feelings, but I noticed that they preferred to be the advice giver, never the receiver. Some of the things they would say to me sounded more and more condescending than before. I would often brush those things off, after all they were my friends and were there for me in my darkest period. But there came a point when God told me to leave those relationships behind. I struggled with some and found others quite easy to let go. Surprisingly, there were some relationships I held on tighter to. Surely God, this isn’t someone you want to me let go of, look at all they have done for me. Lord, how could I just stop being friends with someone who stood by me at my worst, when I was broken and weak.
I prayed about some of these relationships for months, some years, and with every one, God revealed one important thing:
The people He was trying to remove, required me to be broken, and He wanted me HEALED.
I had to realize that there are people out there that require those around them to be broken or at least in need of something “only they can give”. They take pride in being able to provide security, advice, and help to others. It’s makes them feel needed, and important. They aren’t bad people, they just have a different set of needs than others, and may even be dealing with their own insecurities.
I’ve experienced this type of relationship through family and friends to varying degrees in my adult life. It is important that once you recognize this is happening, and you no longer “need” the caregiver in them, that you work diligently to change the relationship. If you don’t, you will find yourself beginning to resent their dismissal of your thoughts and ideas. You might find yourself more and more offended by their words and actions towards you. Depending on their personality, as you grow and heal, you might find or feel like they believe themselves to be superior to you. Your feeling it, doesn’t make it true. You still need to address those feelings with that person before it gets out of hand and you find yourself in the middle of a conflict.
It is important to recognize this type of relationship not to change that person, but for you to continue to grow.
We’ve all heard of enablers. They help but hinder at the same time. In the case of an addict, they provide a place to stay, food, and comfort, professional help, but they don’t enforce rules that would require that person to not drink or do drugs. The addict likely won’t change, and the enabler will remain just that. The enabler will point out all of the great things they do for you, however the one thing they needed to do was allow you to stand on your own two feet. You will resent the “suffering saint” act, but it’s comfortable and allows you to sit there without being held accountable. You Don’t allow yourself to be enabled.
As as you regain your strength, and get back on your feet, you might find that some people won’t let you move forward. They often remind you of your past, point out what happened the last time you encountered a situation. But they don’t do this in a way that helps you to gain perspective or out of love, but in away that makes you doubt your own ability to make decisions. It is not healthy to pretend you are ready for something you aren’t, however you decide for yourself. If they have done a good job at supporting you and you have done the internal work that needs to be done, you will know when you are ready and for what. If you can move on from your past, and you have made amends with those you should have, so should EVERYONE around you. Don’t allow someone else to impose their shame on you.
Expect resistance, and possible backlash as you work to change the relationship. Recognize and always be mindful that this friend, needs you to need them. Depending on their overall personality, they might have varied reactions to your push back or “disregard” of their advice. I’ve seen this happen in multiple ways. Some try to enlist other mutual friends by sharing the “conflict” and asking for their “help” to get you to see things their way. You might them to be extremely apologetic, without actually apologizing. If the person is truly in your corner and wants you to grow, they will hear you’ll work together to forge a new relationship. Either way, hold your ground, stay true to you. Don’t overreact to their reactions.
No matter what happens in those relationships, keep growing! This may not be the season for them in your life. There may come a new season for them to return, but that doesn’t mean you HAVE TO be broken ever again. Be grateful and show them the respect and appreciation they deserve for helping you move through your weak and broken times, but if you know it’s time to move on, do so, and be at peace. How you move forward or on is totally up to you. Just remember they were once a great part of your life, and allowed you a space to heal. Whatever you do, Don’t inflict hurt on them.
You have a right to heal and get out of your broken place, a true friend would want that for you, even if it means their season in your life (in that capacity) is over.
No matter what, GROW!
This post helped me a lot simply because I can see myself as that friend. I’ve been the one that needed to be needed. In those times I pray I never dismissed any of my friends feelings only to push my own advice as though I were the end all be all expert on the given situation. I dont posess every aspect mentioned, but I did see myself in some of the lines. Thank you for sharing and pushing us (those who read and receive this) to grow!