Let’s just admit that 2020 for most of us has been a complete and utter shit show. Vision Boards became an after thought. We’ve spent more time with our immediate families this year that in the last decade or so. Those jobs that couldn’t be done from home, have now gone 100% remote. The usage of toilet paper in most homes became something to closely monitor and parents all over the world considered taking a second mortgage to buy snacks.
The world, as we know it, was on fire. And just when we thought the flames were out and we could tend to the few remaining hot spots, there’s an elections, and the 2nd , 3rd, or 4th wave of the pandemic. 2020 has encompassed a pandemic, repeated deaths of people that look like me for simply existing in this country, the aquittal and protection of their killer, protests, riots, the tragic loss of a basketball icon, death, so much death, one of the most important elections in american history, litigation over election results and the worst thing of all HOMESCHOOLING.
The crazy thing is, this list of stuff only encompasses what happened to the world as a whole. There are billions of people on this planet and each and everyone of us had to deal with the world aflame along with everyday life as an individual. Life in the face of the pandemic has been heavy for me. I have felt enormous levels of anxiety simply because one sneeze could literally kill me or someone I love. I became a full-time parent for the first time since my kids were born. I say full-time parent because I have always dropped my kids off during the work day. Over time, they would live with my parents during the week and with me on weekends. Now I am with them 24/7, having to manage their school schedules and work at the same time. I could go on and on regarding the “joys” of home schooling , but let’s not.
Here’s the thing, life is hard in general. We all have to endure things on a regular basis that take a toll on us mentally, physically, and emotionally. We go through things that make us doubt ourselves, and the people around us. We have moments that make us want to give up on ourselves, our spouses, and sometimes our children. But we endure, we persevere, we forge ahead. As we’ve lived and experienced, we’ve also developed ways to cope. We’ve built relationships that help us feel loved and supported. Some of us created routines to help relieve stress and stay active. What happens to all of those things when the world is on fire?
Yes, for most of 2020, its has felt like the world was on fire and even as we approach the end of it, the anxiety I have felt all year remains at about a 12 on a scale of 0 – 10. The scariest part of it for me has been the knowledge that I can sense the anxiety in perfect strangers just as much as I feel that of my own children. What made dealing with the pandemic even more difficult was the new normal it created.
I now had no choice but to work from home. This was nice when it was optional because it meant that I stayed home for some reason other than not being able to go in the office. Working remotely changed the way the work day had to go. What used to be a 5 minute conversation with a co-worker, is now a scheduled zoom call. Work hours used to be the time spent in the office, now they are all times of the day and night. While your personal phone was just that, yours, it is now the only means of communication between you, your coworkers, superiors, and clients. Limits on personal time were encroached upon and often violated as a result of mandatory telecommuting.
Not only am I working from home, but now I am at home 24/7 with my pre-teen children. They are eating me out of house and home, destroying what is usually a very tidy and well kept one-bedroom apartment. Let’s face it, 700 sq ft, 1 exhausted mom, 2 quarantined children, and 2 dogs doesn’t make for the most tranquil environment. To top that off, now they have to attend school from home. I have to manage their school work while working 40-50 hours a week, preparing three meals a day, walking two dogs, cleaning the house, staying healthy and COVID free, referee, nurturer, disciplinarian, and therapist.
I can’t go to the gym. Even now that they are back open, I can’t go to the gym because I can’t work out in a stupid mask. I know what you’re thinking, the parks weren’t closed, you could do an at home workout, but I had to be all of those things mentioned above. I don’t have the energy, physically or mentally to do anything other than what I had to do to survive the following day so f* that workout.
Therapy went from in-person to virtual. Now yet another thing I have to log in for and sit in front of the computer to do. This is not the same as in-person therapy. He can’t see my body language. We don’t have near as much privacy because my house is full of kids and dogs. Also, I think my therapist, needs a therapist. He’s a black man living in America watching black men be treated like animals on a daily basis. I can sense his therefore my own anxiety is hightened.
I used to socialize with close friends to decompress, but COVID. Now we are doing virtual happy hours and zoom calls. Here we are logged in again. I can’t be in there presence and get that hug I need. My love language is physical touch, hard to do when one touch could kill me or someone I love.
2020 came in and set the entire world on fire. Some of us felt it more deeply than others because for us, the world is always a smoldering fire anyway. COVID was gasoline and all of the other things that have happened throughout were the lit match necessary to bring the world to the raging fire I’ve felt for months. COVID was like an atomic bomb for some of us. I know that it has blown every bit of my coping toll box to shreds. For months, I loathe leaving my home because even a basic trip to the store is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining.
So while the world was on fire, mine was exploding into a billion different pieces. I had a huge glimpse into how my children manage their own stress. I saw huge gaping wholes in all of my coping mechanisms. I am managing quite well by my own standards, which is really all that matters, but I am not where I used to be. COVID has forced the world into a newness that once was unimaginable. I am seeing myself for the first time in ways I never thought possible. I made it through 9 months of the most unprecedented unknown times ever. While I have been anxious, I haven’t let my anxiety get the best of me. Though I may have been burned by the flames, I survived the fire. Now the only thing to do is Rise.
