How many times have you prayed for God to remove something from your life? How many times have you asked God to heal you from an illness? Shelter you from storms? End your or a loved one’s suffering?
Did you get your answer? Was it the answer you desired? Was it instant?
If you were me… you answer would be a definitive, resounding NO. I’m not sure about anyone else, but I know that it did not happen for me. I hoped it would. I pleaded for it, but it never happened. In fact, I know now that often times God is the one that sends us through the storms we endure. Not because He wants us to suffer, but because He needs us to Trust Him. If you are like me, you are saying to yourself, “But I already trust God.” I had to realize that I trusted God for the small easy stuff. The stuff that is almost a given. Yes God, I trust that you will keep harm from coming to me and family. Yes God, I trust that everything that happens is for my good. But when He tested my trust, I often failed. I failed so miserably, I didn’t even know I had failed. Sometimes, I didn’t even recognized that I was being tested.
What God wanted me to learn to do, was trust Him even when He didn’t answer my prayers. I would often go in and fix things myself, Thank God for the wisdom and resources to fix it, and then I would move on to the next situation, only to be tested again. I was once told that God will send you the same test until you pass it according to His grading system. Well, I had my own rubric, and as long my flesh was easy and I no longer had to endure the discomfort, I had passed with flying colors.
It wasn’t until after my suicide attempt, I realized how hard truly trusting God could be. Recovering from hospitalization was hard. I was on disability for three nearly three months, only to be laid off the day I returned to work. I found a job a month later, but it was more stressful, I worked long hours, sat in tons of traffic, and generally hated my job. This did not bode well for my self-confidence, nor was it doing my mental state any favors. I found myself having panic attacks in the bathroom floor at my job. I hardly ever wanted to go to work. I would be in tears sitting at my desk. Overall, I was falling apart and sinking deeper into depression than ever before.
I would often pray, “Lord, please heal me. Get rid of everything in me that is not of you Lord, remove this illness, make me stable.” He DID NOT answer. Why would He want me to suffer like this? Why would He want His beloved child to endure so much pain? Why me Lord? Why me? (There is such a huge lesson in this. Let’s circle back.)
I eventually lost that job almost a year to the day I was laid off from the previous one. I was terminated. They had their reasons, but I was devastated, relieved, and empowered all at the same time. Two months later, I was evicted. It hard to handle $1200 a month in rent on unemployment, and depleted savings. I was angry for more reasons than I care to explain, but I moved in with family, and made conscience decisions everyday to be better. Both physically and mentally. This is where my 24-HOUR Rule was born. I am allowed to feel any negative emotion for 24 hours. Once that time is up, I have to take action to either change my perspective of the catalyst or change the catalyst. Action must be taken within 24 Hours. Action didn’t mean resolution, but in some cases a plan to resolve the issue.
In the process of moving, I held my eviction notice in my hand, and my bank statement in the other. This time I settled in to have a conversation with God, “Lord, if you won’t take these things away from me. If you won’t heal me from this disorder, then show me what you want me to do with it.” You see this process of losing everything, including my own mind, forced me to give up. But this time, instead of giving up on life, I gave up on trying to do it all on my own. A close friend of mine would say, you finally relinquished control.
The kind of Trust God is asking us for is not pretty or easy. The kind of trust God is requiring of us, is about finding peace in the midst of a Category 5 Hurricane. That kind of trust leads to prayers like this, “Lord, this hurts. I don’t know how to see my way through it. But I know you are here and working things out in my favor. Even though I don’t see it now, and I don’t know when I will, Lord I know it is coming. I will trust you and lean on your promises until that day comes.”
I often reminded God that this kind of trust does not come easy for me, but I am trying to make it through. When that trust in Him started to waver, I would often rest in the hope that my hard were drawing to a close. I would go from living day-to-day, to hoping moment-to-moment. It got better. Sometimes it got worse, but then it got better. It continues to get better.
Trust that your pain will never be in vain. Trust that God sees your pain and knows your heart. It will end. Trust that everything you endure that breaks you, will be rebuilt stronger. It is a test. It is only a test. You pass by staying hopeful, keeping your Faith in God, and Trusting through the pain.
