Every time I get an invite to an event, I get excited. I am extrovert and I love to be around good people and have a great time. I love to plan parties, I love to get dressed up and go out. Go dancing, have a great meal. My biggest problem, getting myself there. I put events on my calendar that I can’t wait to attend, but by the time I should be getting ready to go, I have convinced myself that going would be way too draining. This weekend I was invited to go to a Launch Party. It was a private event, and I am 100% sure it would not have disappointed. It was a great networking opportunity as well, but I couldn’t get myself over the heep of reasons to not attend.
First , I didn’t want to go alone. Going alone leaves the door open for me to be sitting alone all night and leaving with a heightened sense of “loneliness” and not belonging. The invite was from someone that I have known since middle school and chances are there would have been other people I knew there, but I still couldn’t let myself breathe. I couldn’t acknowledge that I would most likely find someone to at least say hello to. The idea of going alone was unsettling, but something I thought I could reasonably overcome once there. If I went even for an hour, and felt uncomfortable, I could leave with my “feelings” in tact.
I’m going now, so what to wear? I don’t own cocktail attire, at least not for my size now. You would think that after losing 50 pounds, I would love an excuse to buy something new. Well despite the weight loss, I find myself still feeling “fat” and not “PHAT”. I find it hard to see the weight I have lost before I recognize how much more weight I need to lose. So despite trying on the most fabulous dress, I couldn’t see past my fat. SPANX!!! Are you crazy? No. Why? #1 You don’t need shaping, you need suction. SPANX make you look like a pregnant pig. #2 You are going to eat because well You like to eat. You can’t eat and breathe at the same time in SPANX. Holy Crap, I have to wear heels!! I have to walk from the parking lot, into the building, to the back corner of the room in heels without falling on my face? Yes, I used to be able to do the entire “Single Ladies” routine in my 4.5 in stilettos, but that was years ago, BEFORE I GOT FAT! I don’t own one piece of jewelry, no earrings, no bracelets that aren’t rubber, nothing. I’m not buying something I will not wear again before it gets lost. Nope You are fat… this is a bad idea.
By the way, don’t forget about that pimple that could pop all on its own at any given moment. Yep its visible. Your daughter even noticed it. It’s there and its big.
Have you looked at the time? Better yet, have you looked at your hair? What are you going to do with that mess? Going natural was a bad idea, you only have two styles you can wear. Fro or bun? Neither of those will look good with that dress you put on hold. Think Chile!
There isn’t enough time to get ready, you have too much you need to do. I’m not going.
This is me every time there is an event or party I want to go to. I want to go, I hope I can go, but even when I can logistically go, I can’t get there. Its exhausting. My anxiety about any event, ones I host or the ones I have been invited to, involve about 5 days of internal back and forth that usually results in me needing to be alone and disconnected from everyone, when I should have just shown up for whatever it was I wanted to do in the first place. Has anything totally embarrassing happened to me in public at any event happened? Not that I recall. There have been times that I felt embarrassed but it was me, no one else really knew.
I started this by saying how much I loved parties and gatherings. I told you I am an extrovert. These things are so true, but my social anxieties keep me from doing something that I love to do. In fact, it forces me to suppress a large part of who I am. To the point it is almost suffocating.
There it is, anxiety, no matter the kind, can feel like suffocating, or drowning depending on where the anxiety is rooted. Not only am I an extrovert, but it has come to my attention that I have an “empathic” personality. What does that mean? I have done a little research, and they call us “empaths”. These are people with a heightened sense of others feelings. In my case, its seems I am extremely sensitive to the pain, struggle, and the plight of others. Because of this fact, I often need to disconnect. I feel overwhelmed in settings with numerous people, or when I have constantly interacted with people, no matter the type. I get drained and need isolation to recharge, so despite the extrovert in me, that can’t wait to go, I fear the aftermath of doing them. Which is why, I end up running scenarios that have nothing to do with the real reason I don’t want to go. The idea of engaging with people at times is overwhelming.
I spend a lot of time avoiding the public, and being social. I realize even now, I keep finding other people who are “more qualified for this platform” to eclipse me. If it isn’t my face they see or my voice people hear, the message will be received by more people and better. I don’t want to be the face or voice of the very “thing” I’ve created. I remember right after getting the vision, my conversation with God went like this, “I am a single woman with two kids, hoping to find a husband one day, how does this platform get me close to that?” “How does my transparency help anyone?” As crazy as that sounds, I know that this is my purpose. I know I was given the vision for a reason.
