My son was 2 years and 2 months old when I found out his sister was on the way. Once again, fear struck. Would I go through the depression again? Would my children be safe? Was I mentally able to care for two children with my condition? There were so many conversations about having an abortion that I came increasingly concerned about my mental state. I asked my doctor what the chances were or getting it again. How severe could it be? Her response, “All we can do is hope for the best.” So with every kick or squirm, the baby in my belly represented the Hope that it would all work out.
I prayed that God bring her here with all that she could ever need. I asked Him to not let her purpose in Him be rooted in anyone or anything on this Earth. That is what He gave me. An answered prayer is what my daughter is. A beautiful, vibrant, living manifestation of the very first time I fully placed my Trust in Him.
Things were ok for a few years after that… until they weren’t.
A few years later, I attempted suicide. For nearly 18 months after that, I was in therapy. One day in therapy, I read my journal entry from a terribly emotional weekend to my therapist. It was extremely dark, so dark it scared me. At the end of it, she pointed out how dark it actually was, but what she said next sticks with me. It touched me so deep, that I often cling to her words. She said, “In all of that darkness, there is a resilience about you. You are hopeful that you will overcome.” I didn’t feel hopeful, I didn’t even hear hopeful in the words I had read. I asked her to explain, and she talked about the fact that having felt that way, just a few days before, and being in her office then were all the proof she needed to see it. I didn’t want to die, I was just tired of fighting.
I prayed a lot for God to remove the depression and the anxiety, but He never did. I think I prayed that prayer consistently for nearly a year. Its hard to ask someone for help and they deny you, but even worse when you know that they can. I finally had to change my prayer, and ask God what He wanted me to do with this illness if He wouldn’t take it away.
In that moment, I had to do two things:
1. Trust that even though God didn’t answer my prayer by healing me, my pain would not be in vain and most of all glorify Him.
2. I had to remain hopeful, and keep my faith. I had to open myself up to the idea that I could live freely and fully despite my illness.
Neither of the two would be easy, in fact it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Trusting someone other than yourself, hoping for something that seems impossible can and WILL get ugly!
There are things about HOPE that hurt, and that hurt is deep. Follow my journey through deliberately Trusting in God, and keeping HOPE at the forefront of all that I do. I can’t promise the sunshine, but I promise to shine the light.
